When faced with the question “What turns you on?” almost all of us have the same answer: I’m turned on by someone who’s smart, funny, well dressed, creative, successful, blah blah blah. And sure, all of those things are stimulating, but that’s only half the story—frankly, the really boring half. But I stick with the stock answer, because saying some version of “I’m turned on by intelligence” sounds way less scary than the reality, which is that I’m mostly turned on by a weird genre of faux surveillance porn where teen girls are caught shoplifting and then blackmailed into giving security guards awkward blow jobs. Is that bad? For some reason, what I admire in someone and what actually turns me on often bear no relation. I’m sorry, but I just don’t believe that anyone’s ever come thinking about how their boyfriend is a good listener.